So Much Happier Blog
Entering the Quiet
“Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action.”
While the next month will be a flurry of activity for many of us, I find it helpful to recall that before the advent of modern technology, the darkest, coldest times of the year were considered to be a time for rest, gratitude for the year's harvest, and envisioning plans and desires for the year ahead. Right about now (in the northern hemisphere) we would have been slowing down, spending more time with family and friends, enjoying the fact that fewer hours of daylight meant fewer hours in which to work, and going to bed earlier. The limitations of light and weather meant that the cycle of the year was not negotiable. Working within it meant that people were almost guaranteed to benefit from this slower time of year.
Since we now have the ability to work 24/7 through the wonders of technology, we are beginning to have trouble stopping or even slowing down at all. You now have a choice about when and how to do this, but if you want to be happy and healthy, it must be done. Rest and relaxation are necessary for rejuvenation of body, mind and spirit. Only when rested do we have sustainable access to our greatest creativity and palette of skills, so as you move through the end of this year, make sure you carve out some time for yourself. Plan to do very little for some of it, and also, at some point, take time to review the high points of the year to better see your present life in context, and then think about what you'd like to create in 2018. Your wish list could include achievements, but also progress you'd like to make on character traits or skills that are more incremental. You might yearn to improve a relationship that's important to you. You might want to add new, supportive habits to your routine. Perhaps you'd like to take a trip to a place you've never been, or to see friends and family you've been missing. Whatever it is, now's the time to play with the virtual chess pieces that might be involved in your mind, and begin to imagine the way forward.
What you set into motion now through contemplation and imagination will build in momentum in the new year, but in order to bring your most productive self to bear in your projects, you need to replenish your energy stores and your heart before you start trekking toward them. This is an excellent time to do some high-quality rejuvenation. Don't miss out on it by letting this busy time blow by without making some room for the relaxation and creative time you need for yourself. This time spent in quiet will help you to ring in the new year with anticipation, joy and intention—so much better than with the frazzled confusion that is your alternative!
No Part of You Left Behind
“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.”
There's a great deal of scientific evidence showing that unhappy emotions like anger and grief block healthy bodily functions, whereas emotions like joy, love, and gratitude enhance health and healing. In addition, rather obviously, feeling good is more fun than feeling bad, as well as more energizing and more enjoyable for others to be around. And yet, though most of us would rather feel great much more of the time, being happier isn't just about deciding to be. It's true that we can do quit a bit by intending to and choosing to focus on happiness with the conscious mind. But if you've been through traumas that your body and your subconscious are holding onto, releasing them is not about willpower—the conscious mind is the wrong tool for this job. What's required is a safe way to process the trauma that involves the body, emotions, mind, and spirit all at once. This is why I'm a passionate proponent of EFT, which is a superhero of a toolbox that is made precisely for this jobs well as for the processing of less difficult, but still not ideal, emotions. Through using it, we can take back our power to let go of the old and outdated and live squarely and freely in the moment.
Now let's get back to the subject of feeling good. With the power of the conscious mind, you can absolutely choose to spend time every day, even just in odd moments like while you're sitting in traffic or in line at the grocery store, consciously bringing to mind happy, fulfilling experiences you've had and making an effort to feel joy and gratitude for these experiences. By the way, these don't have to be grandiose, world-transforming memories, just those of times when you enjoyed something beautiful or the company of someone you like. We often spend a lot of time obsessing over what we want to change and fix in our lives; why not balance this out with thoughts of happiness and zest for the good things in life? Doing this for even a couple of minutes a day will give you a physical boost of happiness chemistry that can color your whole day with good mojo. It also builds better mental habits so that over time the balance of your thoughts will start to skew more positively, and you'll start to get out of vicious circles and into more productive ones. Habit is powerful, and when a habit is enjoyable, it's easier to solidify it. Just be sure to go about this exercise with a relaxed attitude and focus on the enjoyment of your happy memories. You're not looking to force anything, just have a good time and appreciate the good times you've had in your life.
Now, while the mind is powerful, I want to point out that this kind mental focus won't work as well if you're not clearing out old traumas, because you'll find that it's hard to concentrate on what's good in the presence of the negative beliefs that arise from those. It's also easier to do this if you've learned the basics of meditation, and know how to get back to a neutral place in your mind if more difficult memories or current concerns do interrupt your happiness and gratitude practice. And they will! Even the most practiced person alive never achieves lasting perfection. There's a concept in Buddhism that tells us that after achieving enlightenment, which is sometimes referred to as the dropping of burdens, we must eventually pick them up again and keep walking (go on with the business of living)—we should just do our best not to pick up more of them. In this interpretation, even those who achieve enlightenment don't necessarily stay in a beatific state forever, so don't be surprised when you (a normal mortal, I presume) can't manage to keep all your thoughts happy and bright! Still, the more you can clear out the charge of anything in your past that was traumatic, the fewer internal hooks your worries and complaints will have to hang onto.
One definition of trauma that I think is useful is: Anything that causes us to feel that our survival is threatened while we are, at the same time, powerless. Knowing how overactive many people's fight/flight/freeze response is in the modern world because of its constant, overwhelming pace and endless sensory stimulation, plus unreasonable societal expectations, it's easy to see how often we may experience trauma, whether or not we're used to thinking of it this way. Animals in the wild will physically shake off trauma, and researchers now believe that this natural response holds a key to humans' ability to heal as well. When we can bring the body and its sensations into our healing work, sometimes even shaking as animals do as we let go of traumatic past experiences, we are better able to move forward without lasting effects continuing to limit us. For more on the nature of and recommendations on healing trauma, you may find Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine and Ann Frederick to be useful. Note that anyone who has big trauma in their past should seek the help of a qualified professional before attempting to work with it. Having appropriate support in this kind of work from both professionals and family and friends is a requirement of creating the safety necessary for success.
I hope you will consider both the importance of using your mind and that of involving your emotions, body, and spirit in your concept of constant self-improvement and in your journey toward greater happiness. Only in doing so will you find the most complete healing, the greatest reclamation of lost energy, and the most fulfilling empowerment you have sought. Everyone deserves to live with authenticity and freedom from past difficulties, and I wish you more of those in the week ahead.
Not Again!
“What’s so fascinating and frustrating and great about life is that you’re constantly starting over, all the time, and I love that.”
Life moves pretty fast, but many of us feel that the progress we most want is slow in coming. Learning new things, finding or creating the right opportunities, and starting new ventures often takes waaaay longer than we want it to. Frustration is a common complaint because the experience of working hard and never seeming to get anywhere is commonplace. Because I'm pretty sure that you can relate, in this blog I want to address how we can deal with being in this stew of frustration.
Sometimes when I work with clients on frustration, we get them to a place of feeling great, but they immediately start to worry that the frustration will just return. And I have to agree—it will! Just as achieving proper hydration today is a feat you'll need to repeat tomorrow even if you ace it today, managing your emotional life and your thoughts is work that will always need doing. Sorry if I've burst your bubble because you thought there was such a thing as being perfect and "done." It may look to you from the outside like some people have it all together and are beyond internal turmoil. Trust me on this, except for perhaps the odd below-the-radar enlightened master among us, they're not!
If we live in a constant state of frustration, it's because we're not appropriately 1. blowing off steam and 2. allowing novelty into our lives. We cannot ignore and repress anything that even smells like an emotion for decades at a time and expect to feel calm and unconflicted. Emotions are actually there for a reason. They send us important messages about what's not working for us so we can become aware of the problem and fix it. If your emotions seem huge and painful, unless you have a chemical imbalance of some sort or have experienced significant trauma, it's probably because you've ignored smaller waves of emotion, and now they've become more intense as they've piled up. If you do the work required to become aware of what they're pointing to and deal with that issue appropriately, you'll find relief. I know almost none of us is taught how to do this, but there are various ways. I think you know I'm a big fan of Tapping, which not only helps you to release excess built-up emotion, but also to quite naturally find root causes and new perspectives on your situation that will help you to change old patterns. As far as the novelty piece of the equation, when you're frustrated, don't you feel like it's just same thing day after day after day? Well, maybe it is. And maybe that's because you're not trying new things, seeking diverse outside viewpoints, or making new connections to break your logjam. These two things can get you unstuck from continued frustration fairly efficiently, opening up new possibilities that allow you to feel freer.
The last tactic I want to mention is the cultivation of more robust spiritual, mental, and emotional endurance—translation: Patience. The ability to continue striving to stay conscious, and continue learning and attempting to produce better results every day for extended periods, even when progress is slow, all without freaking out, is very well worth cultivating. In our instant-gratification culture, this may sound like just about the least enjoyable thing ever, but little to no enduring work has ever been created without it. Take a look at this blog for hints about how to increase your capacity for patience. Hopefully all of these elements together will help to buoy you up the next time you feel stuck and frustrated. No one enjoys feeling stuck, and when you're in that place, you're not able to be the best self that will most benefit your happiness, as well as the world around you.
Clear the Decks!
“In the scope of a happy life, a messy desk or an overstuffed coat closet is a trivial thing, yet I find—and I hear from other people that they agree—that getting rid of clutter gives a disproportionate boost to happiness.”
Everyone who wants to learn how to maintain a high level of effectiveness in life must master the basics of organization. If you're not good at this and dread tackling the task of improving these skills, I hear you! It doesn't sound like fun to admit you're kind of a disaster in some ways, and to design systems you'll need to sink constant effort into if you want benefits. The first step in determining whether to focus on this is to admit and accept where you are versus where you'd like to be; if you're totally content with your level of success, well, more power to you! That's fantastic. For the rest of us, the question is, "Are there ways in which I could make more progress if I cleared the decks?" If your answer is yes, and you want progress, you have your answer.
Imagine for a moment that you had a clean, clutter-free environment in which to do your thing. What if you knew that you were all caught up with communication and any tasks that you owe to others? That would be a great feeling, right? I'm betting you'd feel more free to work on the next steps toward your goals, and a greater sense of enthusiasm. That would serve you well, particularly if you were able to maintain this consistently. So why don't you do what it takes to get here...? I have a few guesses:
- Overwhelm. You are literally trying to do too much, and you can't do any of it as effectively as you might if you learned to be more realistic with your time. See this article on time management. Challenge: Staying true to your most important values and getting comfortable with saying no to what is not yours to do. This might sound easy. It's usually not!
- As mentioned, putting kick-a$$ organizational systems in place that you will adhere to over the long term sounds like a drag. Challenge: Make it more palatable by enlisting the help of a friend who loves to organize, or hire a professional to help you get set up with what you need. Remind yourself that life requires maintenance of numerous kinds, and this is one of them. Do you need to eat every day? Pretty much. Do you need to exercise regularly to stay healthy? Yup. Do you need to clear the decks continually as clutter piles up? Yes. Yes you do.
- You're avoiding something that's buried in those disorganized piles, or harsh judgments you might make about yourself along the way if you confronted them—or you're avoiding having the time and space to work on what you really want because of fears connected with your concepts of success and failure. Challenge: Allow yourself to see what your resistance is really about. Then be willing to do the work it will take to reduce it and increase your enthusiasm for the tasks ahead.
Does creating space for your own successful functioning take effort? Why yes! But if you want to spend your time on what you choose and create results, you need this effort. You want this effort, because you want these results! You can work on this a little at a time. In fact, if you want to go the distance, you'll need to get into the habit of small, but constant, daily efforts. It may seem unsustainable at first to add yet another task to your list, but over time, this is a habit that will create more energy than it burns. As with anything, you gain confidence and efficiency through practice and small victories. When you get good at this, and you're not getting tripped up by so much visual noise and other distractions, you'll be free to build momentum that will be hard to stop—and that's when life gets exciting!
Oh %&*#!
“We all wish to be brave and strong in the face of disaster. We all wish to be looked up to for our endurance and efforts to help others.”
When it seems like the world is falling apart around you, whether it's events in your personal life or in the world at large that are leading to this impression, what will you do? We all go through periods like this, and while they may never fully make sense to you, even in distant hindsight, we all want to get back to having a sense of balance, purpose and momentum. In my opinion, the worst thing we can do in this situation is retreat from thought and emotion and deny what's happening (except to the extent that we may be in shock and need some time to recover). The best things in life come from using our conscious awareness.
In most cultures, we are not taught to handle discomfort and stay functional while in periods of intense difficulty. We're definitely not taught to be open, even with ourselves, about our emotions, and techniques for handling them artfully. Both of these skills have an important place in dealing with particularly difficult, even tragic times.
I'll be honest, the first skill is not easy to build if you're an empathetic person, and if you are, it may never be your greatest strength. Focusing in on the moment at hand and allowing yourself to think only of what you can do to help yourself and others in this particular situation takes strong intention, concentration, courage, and a willingness to reach deep into your reserves of confidence for belief in your ability to serve yourself and others. This is more difficult to do if you feel deeply for others who are in pain. But working on finding these qualities in yourself makes you massively useful when the going gets tough or even horrible. One of the most important things you can do if you want to grow your capacity in this regard, perhaps counterintuitively, is to meditate regularly. There are many styles of meditation, so if you do some research, hopefully you'll find one that appeals to you. You cannot function well under duress if you don't have access to a quiet place within that feels familiar and clear when you need it most. On the outward, action-oriented side of things, it also helps to challenge yourself regularly to stay calm while outside of your comfort zone. Knowing that you can experience discomfort without sustaining long-term harm is an important foundation for getting through tough times. You gain confidence by proving this to yourself through experience. You also gain faith in your own creativity and resourcefulness as you figure out steps to succeed on the fly when you're not sure what to do. Even if you fail, at the very least, you'll gain data on how to do better next time. And that is priceless.
Knowing how to be open about your emotions and handle them, the second skill set, is more about picking up the pieces when you've made it through the worst of your challenge, because it's far easier to process emotion in the relative quiet and safety of the "after" picture. If you're dealing with severe trauma, it will be best to work with a professional who can guide you appropriately so that you can avoid being retraumatized as you work back toward a calmer baseline. If what you have work with is more manageable, you can work through it in small chunks using EFT's numerous techniques and often reach a truly gratifying level of insight and peace. There are many ways you can make progress in processing emotion—this is by no means the only way—but I have found it to be the most empowering because EFT is a self-help set of tools that you can use free of charge whenever you need them. Because EFT brings the body (which stores many aspects of difficult experiences until we find a way to release them) into the equation along with your private store of experiences and impressions, it brings about permanent change in ways that just talking about an experience, or turning it over to a practitioner of some sort, can't do.
As you become more accustomed to the process of admitting how you feel while taking simple steps to tap down the intensity of your stored emotions, you find that suddenly big emotions are not as frightening. Releasing them, and allowing in the perspective changes and resulting healing, starts to feel like a natural and even enjoyable sequence. The feeling of freedom that results in knowing that you can thoroughly let go of old "stuff" and feel lighter, as well as get back the energy it took for the body to hold onto that stuff, is a natural "high." Churning through the backlog of old emotion you've stored over the course of decades takes some doing, but as soon as you experience what it's like to get a taste of this freedom, I think you'll begin to understand its value.
Functioning well no matter how crazy life gets can be a pretty tall order. Building your ability to do this takes time and effort, true, but it also gives you powerful options for creating the life you want despite what's going on around and inside you. Using tools that support this goal but don't require you to pretend or ignore your real needs is a revolutionary act, and I highly recommend it! The best time to lay the foundation for sailing through challenge with the highest degree of functionality, and to repair damage you've sustained afterward, is always when you're not in the thick of it. Start now. As soon as things get hairy, you'll be grateful that you did.
Oh, Now What?
“To expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect.”
It's important to have a strong vision of where you want your life to go if you want to get something done. Specific goals that can light your way forward are key. But even assuming you have all that, plus good basic habits, in place, what about when "life" happens? When the world lobs critical distractions your way, what do you do?
For each of us, distractions might look different; something that for one person would barely register as a problem would be a game-changer for someone else. What's universal is that there is, no doubt, something that could derail your best-laid plans—and sometimes something does. The question of how you'll handle it can determine the course of your life...but no pressure! But seriously, knowing that these pivotal moments will occur, often when you least expect them, it's a good idea to think through how to prepare.
Having a written list of your highest values will help a lot when you're confronted with impediments. Something disruptive has crossed your path, but how much of your attention will you give it? Is it for you, or is it something you will deflect back out of your experience? Is it calling you to hew to your highest values, rise to the occasion, stretch, and grow, even if it halts or slows the momentum of other projects? If so, it may be a valuable opportunity in disguise, and giving it your full attention might be the most appropriate choice. The choice of where to focus your energy at times like this can define your experience of whole chunks of your life, so whatever you decide, make sure you've done it after consideration, and consultation with both others your choice will affect, and people you trust to think through decisions with you. Be sure to check to see whether your choice is ultimately in line with your values; this will help you to appreciate the life you're living and stay motivated throughout its ups and downs.
When you're at a crossroads, chances are that no decision will leave a beautifully clear and tidy aftermath. That's ok. You're looking for a decision that expresses the best of you and who you wish to become. We can envision an ideal future all we want, but any route we map out to get there will inevitably have to shift. Often, I think, having to reroute gives us the strength of broader experience than our straight, planned path would have afforded. It may even prove to be the catalyst for the manifestation of our own brand of genius. Sometimes the best results come from a collision of forces interacting in ways we could never have foreseen.
Because change is often challenging and uncomfortable, we may live in dread of disruption. Depending on how much time we spend worrying, this can be a huge waste of energy, and very demoralizing as well. A better use of time and energy would be to use any worries that arise as signposts that point us to the preparation we could be doing, and doing the work of staying calm and healthy; this way, when challenges do show up, we'll be in a better position to meet them with our full reserves of creativity and resourcefulness. We'll know that we are as prepared as we could make ourselves for this important moment. Plus, taking even small actions feels better than being an immobilized ball of worry. Being as healthy as we can feels better than than giving up our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual conditions to circumstance and flailing around in confusion.
Life never really goes as planned. We can fight this principle or accept it and prepare for it as best we can. Which option you choose will change what is possible for you when the chips are down. This week, keep your eyes peeled for how you might begin to shore up worries and other energy drains with small, manageable actions. Remember that even in mitigating risk, you can find things to enjoy. Celebrate what's good about your health and readiness now, and what parts of your life are already beautiful. The present moment is, after all, the only place there is to feel enjoyment and satisfaction. The more you attune yourself to feeling good in each moment, the more you can do this even in the midst of disruption, which will help you emerge more quickly to the other side.
Sustainable Motivation
“The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm.”
There are two basic options you have every time you seek to motivate yourself toward a task or a goal. One acts like Superman's Kryptonite, draining your energy, creativity and sometimes even your will to live, and the other acts like a vast array of brand-new solar panels, powering your progress with no further investment through the inevitable daily dose of the sun's rays. You may now find yourself wondering, if this is true, why in the name all that is good would anyone choose the first option? That's an excellent question! In this blog, we'll look at why we do this, and what the two options are in the first place.
The first option, which most people vastly overuse in the quest for motivation, is shame. I've heard it said that while guilt is the feeling that you've done something wrong, shame is the feeling that you are wrong. Did you get the difference? Give a moment to sink in, because this is important. Shame is, frankly, guilt gone too far. If you believe that you just are bad, that doesn't leave you anywhere to go, and if that doesn't drain your will to live, I don't know what would! The purpose of feeling guilt at all is to let you know that you've veered off course, and you have some work to do to get back on track so that you're living within the parameters of your own values. And here's where we get down to the reason why we then flip into shame: We were taught to.
The application of shame is a very popular tactic for attempting to keep children (and later, adults) in line. If a caretaker implies that a child's behavior is bad and love may be withdrawn because of it, she is likely to be scared into submission. She is also likely, with limited understanding, to take away the message that she is bad—sometimes that's even the intended message. The point of all this from the adult perspective is to maintain some control, and to teach the child safe and desirable behavior. Parenting is hard, children are energetic and unruly, and sometimes anything that works without obvious harm is the goal.
Adults will use shame tactics on adults for control as well, because they know that subconsciously, many will be intimidated and manipulated by them without even noticing what's happening. Also, these are the tactics they were taught themselves—and these things get passed on generation after generation. You can see this playing out in arenas like politics, advertising, and religion, not to mention family dynamics. We learn, from the way others try to motivate us, how we should try to motivate ourselves. And while I'm no child development or parenting expert, I can tell you that for adults, this approach is a disaster.
I want to move on to a better way, while first acknowledging that though you can do a lot through the power of choice and intention, you may need more than that in order to turn away from the habit of overindulgence in guilt and shame. Many of you know what I'm going to say next! EFT, y'all. Otherwise know as Tapping. It's simple to learn, free to use, and once you're comfortable with it, you can use it to rewrite how you experience old memories and how you process new experiences. Depending on your situation, this may take some work. It may even be appropriate to seek guidance from a mental health professional as you do this work, depending on your situation. But I have not found anything else to be as helpful and empowering across such a range of complaints. That said, now let's move on to greener pastures!
The second way to motivate ourselves is through joy. Does that sound good to you? If not, you may find that you have a lot of programming around this concept that causes you to immediately assume that this is dumb, wouldn't be effective, is the territory of the self-indulgent, etc. If so, that right there will prevent you from fairly considering just how efficient it actually can be, and making some amazing progress. What I find to be true over and over is that when we find ways to amp up our inspiration around who we are and the path we're on, everything becomes easier and more fun. That, in turn, builds confidence and optimism, not to mention enthusiasm and physical energy, that will carry us through challenges and setbacks when necessary.
So how do we go about connecting to the infinite power source that is joy? You'll find your own tricks and refinements, but the essential part of the endeavor is in acknowledging that you have a unique part to play in life that has to do with many factors, including where you came from, your family, your friends, your natural talents and the skills you've built, as well as your desires and passions. You are valuable. Knowing that you have something special to offer, you then get to decide how you will assemble all of your pieces into a work of art. This should be fun!
- If it's not fun yet, consciously ask yourself all throughout the day how you could make your tasks more fun. You're alive today! Act like it! Celebrate it!
- It's also important to celebrate what you want (your vision for your future) as well as what you have right now, and love both as best you can. If you're really loving and appreciating something, anything, you're building reserves of joy
- Lastly, celebrate yourself. You will always make mistakes and do some things badly, especially if you're learning, growing, and trying new things. That never means that you are bad. It means that you're human, and there will always be more to learn
- If others are sending you the message that you're bad, that's about them, not you. You decide what you will improve about yourself. It's great to take feedback into account, and others can teach us a great deal, but you are the final arbiter of what's right for you and your timing
- Every day, you need to be spending some time purposely enjoying and honing your vision, and considering your best next steps for getting there. You need to "keep it real," in other words, allow yourself to think of that future you want as a real thing that's being built right now
- It's also important to train yourself to be awake, alive, and aware in the present moment, because that is where all opportunity will show up. Have you ever noticed that an opportunity is never offered to you in the past or the future? If you're spending too much mental time in either, you're missing out on what's happening and what's possible right now!
Powering your life with joy and inspiration is like hooking up to a renewable energy source that draws you forward. It's the most efficient and sustainable way to boost yourself into the future you want, so think about adding more of it if you want to generate perpetual motivation.
Consumption vs. Creation
“I’m always thinking about creating. My future starts when I wake up every morning... Every day I find something creative to do with my life.”
Here's something I've found helpful in my work in supporting productivity: Understanding the difference between consumption mode and creation mode. If you're reading this, the world you were born into has encouraged you to default to consumption mode through your education (memorize what we give you and repeat), the ubiquity of advertising (trust us, you need to buy this), politics (here's the party line), organized religion (this is what you should believe and do), family (here's who you are), and on and on. There's great reward for accepting and conforming to what is handed to us, and that's not necessarily a bad thing! Humans are social animals, so being part of groups is essential to our health and well being. Societal structures help us to create and maintain the stability needed to foster decent standards of living and opportunities to pursue our own personal flavor of happiness, while still feeling like we're part of something larger than ourselves. But it's all too easy to become entranced by all the expectations we encounter, and caught up in endless contemplation of what's expected. Not to mention anxiety about whether we're measuring up, and what will happen if we don't.
If that's where we're living, we're not going to spend much time in creation mode. Creativity thrives outside the strictures of imposed expectations. It requires that you free your mind from established patterns and allow your own unique internal spark to lead the way to something fresh and new. For children, this is easy. For the first several years of life, they don't understand or care much about what anyone else thinks unless behaving a certain way leads to a catastrophic withdrawal of love by family members, but even then they're likely to try to get around the rules. As they get older, they will often realize that it's a lot safer and easier to conform to expectations, lose the imaginary friend, and at the very least perfect an extremely convincing impression of a compliant member of all applicable groups. The desire to be accepted and belong is very compelling during the teen years in particular; if we're not careful, we can get stuck in the patterns of fear-driven compliance, which tends to keep our lives small and confining.
If you want to have access to your creative engine, or work up to being a creative genius, priming the pump with inspiration is important, but it's also essential to turn off the barrage of information and expectation from outside. You must learn to think of yourself as a creator, prioritize making time and space for creative urges to bubble up, and be ready to take action to bring your creations into reality. How you share them with others is up to you, but you'll never get started if you don't find ways to carve out an oasis of self. You may find that this is hard to do because it's so easy to be pulled every which way by so many other things that seem important, especially when you have no guarantee of what you'll produce during this time. You may feel pressure to come out of it with concrete results, and frustration if you don't. It takes courage to stand for something you want that takes solitary effort, especially when it takes time to find one's stride—and it always does when starting something new. How can you know how music you can write in a given amount of time until you try? Obviously you can't! Especially if you've never written a song before in your life.
Even if the steps toward a goal seem very methodical and concrete, you will find that you need to bring your creativity to bear on how to accomplish each task, since you are a unique human being with many needs and desires to balance throughout your project. Sticking with the program requires focus and discipline, and the decision to put aside distractions to bring about the result you want.
No matter what you're working toward, you'll be more successful if you acknowledge that you are choosing to be in creation mode when it's time to work. Acknowledge yourself for having the strength of spirit to go out on a limb alone over the dark chasm of the unknown. Appreciate your desire and your ability to bring new ideas and constructs into being. Focus on bringing forth rather than bringing in. And make sure you still allow yourself some consumption time in order to relax, renew, and stimulate new thoughts and sensations that will feed into your work. You may have noticed that ideas tend to crop up at unexpected moments when you're relaxing and doing undemanding tasks like taking a walk or a shower. This time is important too, because your mind isn't engaged in anything demanding, but you're also not trying too hard either. The right mix of time spent in various states of mind will be something for you to experiment with as you pursue your most productive and satisfying life.
This distinction between consumption and creative mode has really helped me to remember what's important to me as I forego other interesting activities that might otherwise distract me from producing the stuff of my goals. I hope this concept helps you to find a balance between the two that suits your forward movement in the context of your unique life.
The Moment of Truth
“In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision.”
The last installment in this series about changing a negative belief has arrived! This week, we'll look at the role of taking new actions in order to solidify your new beliefs. Notice that this is the last step in the process I'm recommending, and that is purposeful; you may also note that it bucks the trend of the most commonly spouted advice about feeling fear and resistance and just "powering through it," "walking it off," and acting anyway. While that can be helpful advice when you've already done your internal preparations and are beginning your foray into the realm of the new, taking it on to the exclusion of doing your internal work can be downright dangerous. If you take such a harsh, dismissive view toward the parts of yourself that are not yet on board with your choices, you are likely to treat others with similar harshness and arrogance. In case you haven't noticed, our world doesn't need a whole lot more of these right now. How about a more responsible approach?
Once you've made progress on your old belief through your mental, emotional, and spiritual attachments to the old, and you're feeling pretty good about what seems possible to you now, it's time to decide on some small actions you can take to affirm all the good work you've done and take steps toward your goals. These should be items you know you can do, even if they challenge you a little. Then, you're going to choose one to do first. Now that you've decided, are you totally comfortable starting it now? Take a moment to imagine that you're about to begin, or even go ahead and pick up the phone or otherwise act like you're going to do it immediately. At this point, you may start to notice resistance, fear, anxiety, or negative thoughts arising. This is actually a good thing, because it clarifies what is likely to trip you up as you work. You can be happier and more productive if you Tap for each of the emotions, sensations, and thought patterns that you've noticed before you really hit those tasks.
If one of your thoughts was, "I can't do it...I'm just not good at this," that probably brings up a bunch of emotions about times when you think you failed in the past as well as fear in the present. First, you might Tap for the fear you feel about taking action. Then, when that's calmer, you might work on past memory that means failure to you, and how you felt about it at the time, as well as how you still feel about it now. Keep doing this until the idea of taking action now is the first step in a learning process. When it feels like everything you think of yourself is riding on the outcome of every little task, you won't keep going if something goes wrong. If, however, you can get to an understanding that even something that seems like a disaster need not stop you indefinitely because it's just another opportunity for learning, then you will be very hard to keep down. That's what I want for you, and Tapping can help you to get there naturally so that your new belief seems logical and stable.
When you take the time to work with your reactions rather than trying to stuff them down and discount their value, you build a calmer life for yourself while continuing to learn about what motivates and what stops you from being your best self every day. You may not be able to completely remove all of your discomfort, but you can gain a lot of relief with Tapping, even if the same things continue to come up as you take action toward your goals and you need daily maintenance for a while. Some new patterns take time and practice to stabilize. While change usually takes longer than we want it to, knowing that you have the power to feel better in just a few minutes of Tapping is empowering. The rest is just rinse and repeat! You have all the basics of how to change outmoded beliefs at your disposal. So now that you're unstoppable, what will you do to wield your powers for good?
The Willingness to Leap
“All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without benefit of experience.”
So far we've addressed the mental and emotional areas of changing a negative belief. The next step in the process of changing a belief that I'd like to share is in the spiritual category. Sometimes when you've followed the steps I've outlined in the previous two weeks on addressing the mental and emotional realities underlying your belief, despite all your best efforts, there's a level at which you'll still plateau and feel stuck. I've found through my own experiences with myself and with clients that bringing whatever spiritual beliefs resonate with you into the process can significantly help in dissolving blocks. Specifically, I often find that asking something that feels larger than your own awareness for help can really pave the way for more rapid progress.
It seems to me that what's happening when we allow ourselves to ask for help on a spiritual level is that we are allowing the possibility of benign change that we don't need to control or immediately understand. Being in a state of openness can create a new kind of space in which synergistic progress becomes more likely. If you have a concept of God or other helpful unseen forces that works for you, Tapping while calling upon it can really get things moving. If you're an agnostic or atheist, try asking all the best, smartest parts of you to work together and help you to find new ways forward. Once you express this willingness to be assisted, you may find that whatever blocks have remained start to diminish without your having to do much of anything, and inspiration may strike. Sometimes all you'll feel is increased relaxation, but later, new, helpful ideas will come to you that will show you your next steps.
If you want to try this approach, remember that it's not mental or emotional. It requires only that you relax, breathe, and ask for help in whatever way seems natural for you as you Tap. If nothing seems to be happening as you try this, just calmly reiterate your request as you tap every point and focus on staying in that place of openness. If you do a few rounds this way and don't notice any change, feel free to keep going. You might also find that it feels great to then do a round or two of Tapping while affirming the most positive thing you can say about yourself, such as, "I'm continuing to do good work here, trying new things and sticking with this. I honor myself for my willingness to do what I can to progress." Even if you don't notice much of a difference, keep in mind that sometimes the effects of EFT are delayed—don't worry, and try to just stay in that state of willingness to receive help as you go about your daily routines. Sometimes people note that they thought Tapping didn't work, but then noticed, days later, that all of a sudden everything had changed. Frankly, staying in a relaxed, neutral state is a great thing to practice no matter what you're trying to accomplish; it helps to keep your mind and body in the most resourceful state possible, and it helps you to avoid gratuitous drama that would drain your energy and distract you from what's most important to you.
While asking for help may not seem like a sure winner, it can be quite powerful. At some of the times when I have felt the most stuck, this approach has helped me to get to a new place, even if it took a few days for a new pattern to settle in. It's a great way to start or end an EFT session, so don't forget to give it a try the next time you Tap. You may find that it opens up new perspectives for you in surprising ways.
Below the Surface
“Honestly, sometimes I get really fed up of my subconscious—it’s like it’s got a mind of its own.”
Now that you're clear about the beliefs you'd like to change, and have done some mental work (see last week's blog if you don't know what I'm talking about), what's the next step...? Now, I recommend working on the emotional side of things. Modern culture heavily emphasizes the mind in problem solving, so that's what many of us think is the alpha and the omega of making progress in anything, but your belief work won't hold if you don't address your emotional realities. These are deeply seated in your psyche and your body, and they will block your progress past a certain point. The great thing is that with effective tools like hypnosis or EFT, you can reach and work with the subconscious realm of old, ingrained emotions and patterns, which is where these blocks, and the power to create lasting change, reside.
You can do this work alongside the mental work (affirmations, for example). Ideally, all of your efforts will coordinate with and support each other. Assuming that you wrote out all the reasons you have the undesirable belief you're working on, the next step is to address each reason. There are other ways to do this, but since my favorite method is EFT, we'll be using that as the framework here. Using the same example as last week, if you believe you're too old to get in shape, one of your reasons might be that you think you have bad genes. In that case, you can do some Tapping for "I have bad genes"; this is a good start, but it's general, and the best results in EFT come from getting as specific as you can. Ask yourself: Why is this reason true, and what makes you sure? Look for your proof in specific events that have happened to you, like someone in your family having a traumatic experience that illustrates this, or someone important to you telling you this with a lot of conviction and emotion at a key moment for you. When you use EFT on these specific experiences, you are dismantling the support for your limiting belief one reason at a time. If you don't take on this work, all the mental work in the world won't usually get you permanent results, because you have these powerful emotional realities hanging on in the world of the subconscious. You may have to work on multiple supporting events in turn in order to start feeling different about each reason, but you may not have to work on everything similar that's ever happened because of the Generalization Effect, in EFT terms. Translation: To some extent, working on one event in a series tends to bring down the intensity of all of them.
As always, if anything feels too big or too confusing for you to handle alone, get help. There are numerous ways to do this, and so many great resources available to you. If you really want to make progress toward your goals, you will need to break the cycle of avoidance that tempts us all and do at least some of this work. You might as well figure out whether you're more likely to tackle it on your own or with others, and get started. Doing something new will always engender some feelings of awkwardness and discomfort, but in this case, the payoff can make the discomfort you endure worth every second in the long term.
I do want to be realistic and tell you that the process of working through all the reasons that support your belief can take some time. Depending on how much time and energy you devote to this, you will move forward if you use EFT faithfully, but you may not see instant results. Try not to quit before you see any. Sometimes you just need to keep at it. How much work will be needed varies widely from person to person and from subject to subject for each person. I also want to mention that sometimes, we hold onto a limiting belief because we get overwhelmed when we consider moving forward without it, and we use the belief as a shield against change. You may be frustrated by your difficulty with making progress in the past, but keep in mind that this behavior is designed to protect us. Humans evolved to be highly risk averse out of self-preservation, one of the strongest drives there is. Sure, you can try to fight this if you want, but you'll make yourself miserable and waste a lot of energy if you go that route. You can't discipline or shame yourself into confidence—I find that partnering up with the side of you that's afraid and trying to keep you alive (even if that's an overreaction) is the smarter and simpler way to go. Often you'll learn something new about what's been motivating you underneath the surface of things when you allow yourself to be open to it. Try asking yourself, "What's the worst thing that could happen if I no longer had this belief?" Once you have an answer, or several, treat each one as its own separate reason using the process outlined above.
This is the basics of working on the emotional glue that keeps old, outdated beliefs in place. If you don't have a good grasp on how to do the Tapping, review that before you attempt it, and always use common sense, pay attention to the signs your body is giving you, and don't overdo it. Otherwise, give it a try and see how including emotional work can help your beliefs to quickly evolve in the most positive way!
When What You Believe Doesn't Help
“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.”
If you're someone who reads my blog regularly, chances are you're aware enough to know that you have a belief or two (or 20!) that are holding you back from being the happiest, most successful possible version of yourself. It's completely normal to pick up less-than-optimal habits and patterns from others, particularly when you're a child and don't even notice it's happening, though this can happen at any time of life. Those habits then stick around until you do specific work to change them. It's all well and good to know this, but what do you do about it? How can you permanently change a belief that might be based on years of conditioning, including examples you've observed and powerful formative experiences you've had personally?
I won't pretend that we can just wave a magic wand and presto, a limiting belief is gone! On the other hand, sometimes it seems like changing these deeply ingrained beliefs must take a Herculean effort, and that need not be true either if you're willing to use the best tools for the job. Here are my suggestions for taking an inclusive approach that will get all of the parts of you on board. An action in one area will help you to progress, but when you work in all areas, everything happens faster and is more likely to solidify into permanent change.
First, get clear on what you'd like to change and why. There might be numerous beliefs you'd like to rewrite, but pick one! You can get to them each in turn, but without focus, you won't get much done. Let's say, for instance, that the belief you've chosen is, "I'm too old to get in shape." Now, spend some time with your mind. Write down all the reasons this is true for you. Are all your family members who are older obese? Do you feel like you have too many aches and pains to move your body? You can probably come up with a ton of reasons, so keep writing until you feel like you've gotten them out, however bad they sound. It might seem overly negative to really reach for more reasons past the most obvious ones, but trust me, this stuff is gold when it comes to making change possible for yourself. You need to know what's in your mind on autopilot when you're not looking if you want to have a chance at working with it.
When you've dug deep and you feel like you have a good picture of what you believe and why, it's time to think through these reasons (Part I). When you think about them consciously, do you truly believe each one? It can be helpful to ask, "Whose voice is this, and when did I learn it?" Also, "Would I give a close friend this advice?" Sometimes you'll find that you don't fully believe these tapes that play in your head. The process of changing any part you still do believe will need to include purposely challenging the old messages when you find yourself thinking disempowering thoughts. When you find yourself (using our example) thinking that there's no exercise you can do that won't cause you to injure yourself, you'll need to interrupt that with something like, "Wait a minute. That's the old belief talking. Surely there's something I can do to move my body a little that is gentle enough to start building strength and balance without injury. I can start with some searching online for gentle exercise and see what I find. Other people get into shape all the time, and I can too." But even the items you don't consciously believe may still continue to influence you because they're ingrained and habitual.
One excellent tool for fostering change is the use of affirmations. These are positive statements of the new beliefs you'd like to have that you repeat daily until they become new habits. In order to find these, you can look at the negative beliefs and reasons you wrote down in the first step and write out the most opposite inspiring statement you can for each one. Then you simply say them out loud at least once per day. Affirmations have gotten a bad rap lately, but I find them to be a useful support in the midst of change. It's a sort of self-coaching that reminds you where you're going and helps you to try on the feeling of a new belief until it seems more natural. I'll warn you that if you really need an affirmation, you won't even want to say it out loud--the new statement will sound ridiculous and embarrassing! But give it a few days and you'll stop needing to squirm uncomfortably when you say it and consider actually holding that more positive belief. This step alone will not get the job fully done. The mind is a fantastic tool, but it can't solve all our problems alone because it's not the only part of us. This is why some people have taken to claiming that affirmations don't work, but they can be, in my experience, a powerful element in your strategy. More on how to work with other parts of you in later blogs.
Another great way to support the changes you're looking to make with your mind include feeding it new information, like reading or listening to books that will expand your knowledge about the subject at hand. You could read about how to start slowly and get into shape at a healthy pace while avoiding injuries. There are many guides out there on workouts for almost every person and situation. You also might want to read biographies or articles about other people who have done what you want to do. Most of the time, there are many people with experience who can help you along with inspiration and the fruits of their own labor. Knowing that others have been through the same thing, and learning about how they triumphed, is a supportive way to teach your mind that more is possible for you.
It can also be hugely helpful to find at least one other person who is working on the same kind of challenge with whom you can share the journey, the highs and lows, and make the effort more fun. When you can enjoy your efforts, you'll be much more able to stick with the program than if you're trying to muscle through on willpower alone. Joining with others can also help you harness the positive powers of both cooperation and friendly competition. Just make sure that person is also willing to put in effort on the mental side of things and making an effort to stay positive. Partnering with someone who is not doing the inner work to make change last can be more of a downer than an inspiration. You want to put yourself in proximity to people who will cheer you on and have your back when you're having trouble staying the course.
This week has been about supporting change with the mind because this is what our culture tends to offer first, and sometimes only, as the way to make change happen. Much of this probably sounded familiar and fairly logical. In the coming weeks, we'll look at how to bring the rest of you to bear in supporting change so that you're allowing the process to ripple across all parts of you. If you do the work to isolate a belief and the reasons you hold onto it this week, you'll get more out of the weeks to come, so make you sure you take the time to do that now. I also encourage you to experiment with affirmations, and even if it seems goofy, try to have fun with them as a way to start practicing the new. You're on your way to a new, more empowering belief already!
Free Your Mind
“The historic ascent of humanity, taken as a whole, may be summarized as a succession of victories of consciousness over blind forces - in nature, in society, in man himself.”
When dealing with a long-term challenge, even if you find that you're well on the way to a solution, it's often true that nothing happens as quickly as you want it to. Problems that you acquired over time will usually take time to solve. The thorniest part of addressing them is often dealing with the daily disappointment, or even heartbreak, of still having the problem despite all your efforts. One of the most powerful things you can ever do is condition yourself to celebrate even your smallest wins rather than bemoaning your losses and worrying about how you will confront tomorrow. This may also be one of the hardest things you'll ever learn to do. It sounds very simple, but is, for most people, astonishingly difficult. It also changes everything about how you experience your life and what is possible for you, once you understand and become practiced at it.
When you think about what a downer it is to harp on what's not working, it makes a lot of sense that consciously focusing on the progress you're making instead would be more helpful. (I'm sure you've spent time around someone who complains all the time. I bet you can't wait to get away from that person when it's someone else.) Unfortunately, your mind is most likely in the habit of worrying about what might go wrong, including everything that ever has for you before. This may be due both to Nature and to Nurture—it's a rare family situation that teaches children only to be aware of risk for practical reasons, but otherwise steeps them in confidence and zest for challenge. Usually there's a lot of "you can't" and "don't you dare" and "what if" mixed in in frenzied tones. It might all be protective and well meaning, but sometimes it's also other things like power plays and unconscious panic. As far as Nature, the mind is designed in part to protect us from risk, and in addition to running the the stressful thinking patterns we learned from others, it tends toward obsession over possible risk as a survival mechanism. If you want to counter these powerful formative and ingrained forces, expect it to take some doing. And here's the kicker: The work you do, if you really want to succeed, can't all be done in and with the mind. Uh oh! Wait, doesn't that make this all of a sudden a lot more complicated? Yes, my friend, it sure does. And that's why it ends up being difficult!
Focusing on progress rather than fueling your every moment on fearful thinking requires work that goes to the very nature of being alive, to all your notions about how safe you are, and what human nature is all about. These reside not only in your conscious mind, where it becomes apparent what your basic beliefs are if you just choose to start becoming more aware of them, but also in the subconscious parts of your mind, where your body and spirit are much more involved. You may be starting to wonder what the use is of my opening up these complexities, since rarely does anyone teach us what it's like to deal in the coin of these realms of us. Because of the personal journey I've been on, I know from experience that a deep well of experience and belief that you're probably unacquainted with is running your life far more than you would believe if I tried to tell you at this moment.
It might sound like I'm trying to scare you or manipulate you, but I'm not. I want you to understand that, from what I've found, a better quality of life, less stress and more confidence, result from clearing out chaff that is weighing you down in ways you can't even see. While there are many wonderful ideas, systems, and people out there in the world doing good work, nothing I have found has ever done for me what EFT/Tapping does in facilitating this clearing out. Because it's a self-help tool, you are in the driver's seat as far as how you use it and on what. You also often become aware of profound understanding and shifts in how you think and feel as you use it. This process is empowering in ways I can't describe. You really have to experience it in order to fully understand what I'm saying. Once you start to get on a roll with this clearing out process, it's amazing how much easier it becomes to think in more constructive ways so that you can enjoy a more happy, vibrant life. I've said it before, but I'll say it again—there's little else I can recommend that would be more helpful to creating more of what you want than learning the basics and making a practice of using EFT. As you do, you will encounter and clear out impediments that will help you greatly. I'm betting that some of what you find there will also surprise you as it did me, and that the process of removing its charge will thrill you as well.
When you can spend more time using your mind in positive ways, you make fewer decisions out of fear and more out of inspiration, and the healthy desire to create better conditions for yourself and others. As long as you're trying to accomplish everything with your mind, you're missing out on the power that can be yours when you get other important parts of you on board. As you use Tapping, you will also tend to naturally build compassion for others that will make you even more effective in understanding and communicating with them. So much can be gained from this practice, so don't put it off! Learn it, love it, and live it!
Leading the Charge
“Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality.
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Being the one in charge is demanding, and if you are working toward any personal goals at all, this is you! While you get to do things your own way, you also have to be the one driving every aspect of your projects. Unless you're amazing at finding and convincing others to help you out at every turn, you're going to end up doing a bunch of tasks you're not good at and not comfortable doing. You're likely to find some of this painful; working way out past your comfort zone can challenge you at the deepest levels. Even if you have the ability to hire people to help you, you're still going to be the one responsible for your project's results. You'll still be the one who cares most about the outcome. You might not have to do all the tasks required, but you'll have to oversee the work of others, and that opens up a whole new realm of challenges.
If you're someone who is not used to being in charge (i.e., you're not the boss at work and you don't have kids or a successful history with running your own business), moving your goals forward will require you to learn some new operational skills. These may include time management; self-motivation; project planning and management; discipline and persistance (which require a host of mental and emotional management skills); problem solving; and communication skills, among others. Each of these skill areas has the potential to hold you back if you don't have at least a basic level of competency in it. Many people never move forward with important personal goals because they get hung up on these skill sets and don't do what's necessary to learn them. Sometimes this is because of an issue of identity, and unfortunate belief like, "I'm an artist, not a business person," or "I'm just not good at that." In this case, you'll need to do some work on the limiting belief itself, otherwise things will always be hard for you in this area. Sometimes it's just because not enough time and attention has been applied to the area in question. One doesn't learn new things by osmosis unless they're easy.
It's important to realize that while reaching your goal may be a lot of fun, some of the learning process that will make this possible will not be. Just as working out when you're out of shape feels terrible at first, stumbling through your early efforts in other skill building can as well. You might as well know this at the outset, and have coping strategies in place for when you have to attack tasks that make you feel like a hopelessly clumsy oaf. This is tough on the ego, and can be exhausting. You may need recovery time from such efforts, so it's a good idea to schedule short stints working on them in between easier tasks that are more fun for you. Remember that asking for help when you're really stuck is a key discipline. This does not make you weak, it makes you smart. You do not have to know everything. In this information age, that would be impossible, and everyone gets stymied sometimes. It's best not to waste too much time bumping into walls if advice from someone more experienced is available—and as long as you have access to a public library or the Internet, it is!
When you experience resistance or other discomfort as you learn new things, remember that absolutely everyone who has succeeded at anything has gone through something similar. Find friends you can talk to, look for mentors to advise you, and use EFT (Tapping) while you rant and rave and cry if you need to. Admitting to and expressing emotion as you go makes a huge difference. Carrying all of that around under the surface saps your energy, creativity, and confidence.
I wish I could say that once you change a limiting belief, it's just magically smooth sailing after that. It helps a lot to clear out the mental and emotional clutter, but most often, getting where you want to go requires focused effort over time. You'll need to map out a route and take steps often to keep up your gains and your enthusiasm. You'll have to practice more than you'd like to and sweat sometimes as you break new ground. Learning new skills is taxing, but as you practice, momentum builds, and using your fledgling skills gets easier. None of this work is glamorous, but it's necessary if you want to move forward. Pursuing personal goals will help you to feel more alive every day, so continually feeding that charge of excitement is worth it. When you feel like you're struggling, grant yourself appreciation for being willing to work at this, take good care of yourself, and keep moving! Enjoy the process when you can, and when you can't, just keep your mind on your destination.
Escaping Mental Quicksand
“The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival.”
Have you ever gotten stuck in a negative loop of thoughts and/or actions? Something happens that takes the wind out of your sails, and suddenly you don't want to do anything. You start thinking that it's futile to try, and that thought builds momentum until you feel like you weigh a thousand pounds. Maybe you act out in sabotaging ways. That just makes you feel worse. Etcetera. If you're being honest with yourself, you're aware that we all take detours like this sometimes, and you're no different! The trick is to minimize this kind of distraction so that you can spend more time feeling inspired, and happily chewing through whatever tasks will get you to your goals—including goals for plentiful social and leisure time in which to enjoy your life.
There are two things I want to mention in connection with getting yourself on track when you find yourself in a negative thought loop. First, awareness. In twelve-step programs, we're taught that the first step is admitting we have a problem, but before that's even possible, we have to become aware of the signs and symptoms suggesting that this is true. Generally as you go about your life, the more observant and aware you can become, the better off you are. First, the faster you notice that your thoughts are spiraling downward, the faster you can arrest them and decide what kinds of thoughts and actions would actually help you. Second, the information you gain access to by actively looking for it can help you massively in formulating plans for moving forward. Developing finely tuned awareness may take some practice, because it's a skill many of us aren't taught. Also because we live in a fast-paced world in which we're often trying to tune out the extraneous and focus on what is necessary or preferred, and becoming more aware can be distracting and confusing. It's fine to start slowly and work up to more awareness in ways that feel balanced.
The second thing is education. If you want to move quickly toward your ideal life, become an education junkie. Learn to love it, crave it, and make it a normal part of your daily routine. See a problem that's holding you back? Consult someone who might know about it, or books, podcasts, or the Internet. If you don't immediately find ideas you like, keep looking, and be open to inspiration about a unique solution that might bubble up from the depths of your own subconscious unexpectedly. Once you start on the path to a solution, your mind will work below the surface, sparking your own creativity. You never know what insights may result. This will also tend to help you feel more hopeful, because you're doing something useful that could change your future. Education primes the pump, making new combinations of thoughts possible. It also saves you precious time and energy as you benefit from the triumphs and mistakes of others who have gone before.
To combine the two, let's imagine, for example, that your car is making a strange noise. You might ask a friend who is mechanically inclined what might be causing it (ask someone for help). You might then bring it to a mechanic for a professional diagnosis (hire someone). Once the shop makes a recommendation for service, and offers a price, you might check an online search engine for information about how much any recommended repairs usually run so you can tell whether the price you were given is fair (surf the Internet). Once the repair is completed, you might get a book from the library about how to maintain your car so you have fewer problems in the future (find helpful media). You'll then know what to look for in the future in order to notice what needs to be done to maintain your car (practicing awareness).
All of this contributes to your life experience in ways that will serve you indefinitely, even if it doesn't seem all that fun at the time. As your experience and knowledge grow, so does your confidence, not just with this subject matter, but with the process of learning and solving problems. The ability to notice issues and calmly follow the steps needed to unwind them, when honed, makes you nearly unstoppable. You also become more of a resource for others who may be in need of helpful information in the future, and that can be satisfying in its own way. As you head into this week, think about issues you have that would be helped by turning on your awareness or doing a little research. It can be pretty enjoyable to make progress on an issue that's been irritating you, and you may find that's it's not as hard to do as you thought.