So Much Happier Blog
Can People Change?
“Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say ‘no.’ But saying ‘yes’ begins things. Saying ‘yes’ is how things grow.”
I don't know if you've noticed, but change is often frightening for humans, in part because we're wired for self-protection, and opening to change requires uncertainty; also, it's difficult to envision exactly who we will be on the other side of change, and that's a threat to one's current life and personality—and can be interpreted as a threat to others in the immediate vicinity depending on their beliefs. I think it's out of these concerns that the "This is just who I am/how things are" excuse arises, and it's a goal killer. If you want to achieve anything on your bucket list, avoid giving yourself this "out" at all costs.
Now, I don't mean that you should feel bad about it if this is your first reaction to the idea of change. We all fall back on habitual defenses sometimes, and again, this is a survival mechanism that evolved for the sake of keeping the species alive. But if you hear this coming out of your mouth, just notice. In order to reach your aspirations, you'll need to address this attitude, and your reasons for digging in your heels in the face of the unknown. Fear can be incredibly potent, causing us to freeze even when doing so makes no logical sense, and even sometimes contradicting our deepest values. Yet it isn't totally in control overall. We retain conscious choice over the direction of our lives even when fear seems very big and loud.
When you feel stuck in your current position, fear is calling you to work through your objections because moving forward seems unsafe, and guess what's an amazing tool for helping you to gently calm your jitters about change? Tapping! But you knew that already! Through Tapping, we can much more easily allow the reasons for our fears (usually adverse experiences from the past) to raise their hands and be heard. When we allow these old truths to come to the fore, be expressed, and allowed to dissipate in intensity while we Tap, it's truly amazing how we can suddenly see things quite differently; stepping forward into position to grab new opportunities is not as big a deal as we thought it was just minutes before. Uncertainty feels more manageable, excitement for the new often surges, and we feel a renewed sense of possibility that allows enthusiasm to carry us forward. Once you're in this state, making plans that are both optimistic and reasonably balanced with appropriate self-protection is much easier. Your chances of success skyrocket, particularly when you're practiced enough in this process to repeat it whenever you find it necessary to get unstuck again. When you're your own one-person fear triage team, it's pretty hard to keep you down!
Nobody who has ever wowed the world with a game-changing invention, artistic vision, physical achievement, or other advance has just sat back down and allowed things to stay as they were instead of following their inspiration. Sometimes the road to success is long and strewn with frightening thoughts and symbols that need to be navigated under, over, or around. Nevertheless, growth is almost always possible. Make excuses now and then if they slip out, but then decide again when you've had a chance to think and take action to surface your fears. Fighting them takes a lot more energy than acknowledging, allowing, and transforming them before you swing into action. What have you been fearing and resisting? Maybe it's time to let yourself acknowledge the reasons why so you can address them start the process of forward motion.
How about Some Good News?
“I am in the world feeling my way to light ‘amid the encircling gloom.’”
There are always so many voices trying to tell us that the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Some people are addicted to external drama that can prevent them from noticing and dealing with their own back yards. Business interests recognize that fear is a powerful motivator that can increase their profits when it's leveraged to make them seem absolutely necessary. Some people just want to be seen as a savior, someone who has the answers so that others will follow and validate him/her. Whatever the motivations behind them, dealing with all the messages we encounter daily that are filled with bad news can be a real bummer. One of the ways you can regain some of your vitality and enthusiasm is by dialing down or tuning out the volume of those doom-and-gloom messages and finding opportunities to be aware of the ways in which life is good.
Life will always be a mix of dark and light, happy and sad. It's smart to take prudent, practical steps to make ourselves safer and to think ahead about what will be needed in the future, but excessive worrying and stress destroys our happiness. Eventually, it erodes our health too. How about finding a few sources of news stories that make you feel good about your fellow humans and being alive in general? Here's one, for instance, but there are many others. There are also many people out there filling social media feeds with posts that will inspire and energize you. Why not spend a few moments this week searching out a few sources of small joys that you can add to your every day? This week's blog is short. I suggest that you use the extra minutes you might normally have spent reading a longer one to go find some inspiration!
Who Do You Choose?
“So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.”
The friends we surround ourselves with are a powerful factor in the quality of our everyday lives. If yours are negative, cynical, and needy, you'll have one kind of experience when you relate to them. If they're bright, enthusiastic, and generous, you'll have another kind of experience. Chances are, your friends are all a mix of many qualities, because humans are messy! The trick is to keep an eye on the balance of your friendships as a whole and make sure it's supportive to you. Each friend and each friendship will be unique, which is part of the magic of relating to another human being. Each friendship will have its own rhythm. You'll want to spend a lot of time around some friends, whereas others you may appreciate best in small doses. Some friends will be so busy at certain times in their lives that you may have to accept a lot of rain checks. Each friendship may have a fairly specific function, as in allowing you to have company in a specific kind of activity, or a conversational partner for discussions around a certain kind of subject. Some may be highly versatile. Having friends who fulfill different roles for you brings a healthy variety of influences into play that can make you a more stable, understanding person.
We've probably all had the friend who we appreciate, but no no one else really likes, and this kind of relationship is fine too. If both parties enjoy each other's company, it's a wonderful thing! Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea, but conversely, your relationships don't have to make sense to everyone else you know, either (as long as the reason no one else "gets" this person is NOT because they're abusive, controlling, or otherwise truly unhealthy for you).
You may have heard the concept popularized in recent years that you become a sort of amalgamation of your closest friends—that you are pulled into the gravity well created by each of their personas to some extent, and your own personality is shaped by theirs over time. That's obviously a generalization, and the extent to which it's true will depend on how much time you spend with each and the malleability of your personality, among other factors, but it's definitely worth thinking about which influences you invite in to your head and heart to roost. Someone can be fun to be around, but leave you feeling guilty or just unsatisfied about the behavior they bring out in you. Some people will tempt you into corners of yourself where you don't want to be. Is this really what you want for yourself? Or would you rather have fun being around someone who draws you forward into being more of what feels like your best self?
It can be illuminating to think about how you make decisions about the friendships you'll invest in. Do you wait for someone to be enthusiastic about you and reach out first, and say yes to everyone? Do you look for someone who makes you laugh till you cry? Shares certain specific values? Is it more of a case-by-case intuitive process for you? I was recently thinking about this myself, and I realized that my friends tend to be people who astonish me (to be clear, in a good way, not in a random or train-wreck sort of way!) I seem to seek out and invest in people who are smart and driven, who are talented or accomplished in ways that challenge and inspire me, because they have strengths I don't. This keeps me fascinated by them, and their points of view; it stretches my ability to see the world through new eyes and recognize the breadth of human experience, which helps to keep my life interesting. It also helps me to cultivate a deeper understanding of others who are different from me. Having recognized this, I plan to tell friends more often about exactly why I value their part in my life so much.
When you think about who your closest friends have been, what do you notice? Which of your values have you prioritized in choosing them? Once you have a better idea of how you make your decisions around friendship, is there an emerging pattern that you need to address? Perhaps there are friendship categories that you'd like to expand. A little reflection here can clarify a plan of action that would make your universe of friendships more whole and satisfying.
In the meantime, who can you tell this week about how much you appreciate them and why? As a bonus, you'll feel some extra satisfaction in focusing on some of the great people in your life, or remembering those who have been a part of it in the past. Friendships are to be savored. We're so lucky when we cross paths with those who can see who we are and love us for it. We're blessed to be able to spend time with people we appreciate and admire.
Energy Psychology
“We humans have lost the wisdom of genuinely resting and relaxing. We worry too much. We don’t allow our bodies to heal, and we don’t allow our minds and hearts to heal.”
This week, I want to simply recommend an article that covers a history of "energy psychology," (which is a broad umbrella that includes Tapping as well as many other modalities) and how various types of such interventions have been shown effective in trials: Fighting the Fire: Emotions, Evolution, and the Future of Psychology. One of the most interesting takeaways for me is the link between emotional trauma and major diseases, but there are many interesting points made that I thought my readers would find interesting. Take a look and let me know what was most interesting to you!
Being Stuck ≠ Failure
“Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose - not the one you began with perhaps, but one you’ll be glad to remember.”
Have you ever found yourself in the midst of a project that started to seem like it would never end? In my experience, this is what stops people from getting to their goals more often than anything else. Once you start telling yourself that you'll never arrive where you want to go, your energy and creativity will dissipate, and you'll probably quit on your project and feel like you failed.
Most likely, what actually happened there is that you encountered a problem you didn't know how to solve. That's it. Nothing irreparable happened, you just couldn't see a way forward, you panicked, and you jumped to a conclusion that may not have been true. The problem isn't that you had the thought that your project was over—we all get discouraged sometimes—the problem is that you didn't have the coping mechanisms in place to weather the emotional storm and come back to the table in a sufficiently calm and creative state to rejig your plan.
This happens to the best of us, but it doesn't have to be a permanent state of affairs. We fall into this pattern and then do what we do for a few main reasons. Once you understand what they are, you can review them when you feel stuck to see which one applies, and most likely find a way around the problem.
- Reflexive self-judgment. This is a bad habit we pick up from others when we're young, and if we don't find a way to arrest it, it remains a corrosive force in our lives. One of the reasons regular meditation can be so helpful is that the mind naturally has a tendency to assess and judge—that's what it's good at, and it's a helpful talent! Unfortunately, humans also have a tendency to believe that the mind is the totality of who we are. It makes sense, after all, given that the mind is a loud, constant voice that is always demanding our attention. Until you learn to calm it down, it's difficult to hear from the body, the heart (emotional self) or the spirit. Becoming aware that the analytical messages from your mind are not absolute truth, and can and should be rejected purposefully if they're not helpful, is a skill that takes some doing. It's also necessary if you're going to get out from under the thumb of the negative self-talk that the mind will blare at you when you're uncertain about what to do next.
- We have evolved to be highly risk averse. This also makes a lot of sense when staying alive is a daily struggle, but for people in developed countries that are not in the midst of war or other constant violence, our first reactions may be unnecessarily limiting; being outside one's comfort zone and trying new things can bring up intense fear that may be irrational, but has the power to stop us nonetheless. One of the reasons I love Tapping so much is that it can assist us in calming this fear/stress response when it's clearly not necessary or appropriate for the reality we're facing.
- The gap between who we currently are and who we'd need to become in order to finish the project seems too large, and we get overwhelmed. In order to progress in any process, we need to be able to toggle back and forth between the big-picture view and the granular view in which only the next task is primary. If we only look at the big picture, it's easy to become overwhelmed with the sum total of all things you still need to do, some of which you probably don't have any idea how to do yet. On the other hand, if you get too bogged down in the details, you'll start to get annoyed, lose inspiration, and want to throw in the towel. You need to remember that other tasks are coming, some of which will be more fun, and refocus on what you're doing it all for. A little fantasizing about reaching the goal can bring back the positivity you need. Knowing which view is most helpful at any given time takes practice, and it's a skill that, like any other, can be learned. We can also choose to get help with parts of a project we don't want to do! There's no rule that we have to struggle in silence, though we may have become convinced by someone else's poor belief system that receiving help is a sign of weakness. Cooperation helps everyone to win bigger and faster. It's smart to leverage it when you have the opportunity. Find someone with knowledge to share, find a buddy to help you stay motivated, find a coach or adviser to review overall strategy and implementation, or find a partner to share the burden and the glory of your project. Frustration and overwhelm can both be improved by teaming up with others.
These may not be the only things you feel stop your progress, but I bet they cover a lot of your most treacherous ground. Giving up on a project completely, or for the foreseeable future, may very rarely be a wise choice, but most of the time it leads to unnecessary heartbreak and disappointment that can be hard to recover from. Before you consider quitting, take some time to breathe, think, rest, and allow your creativity to return. There's probably a solution if you're willing to persist.
Stalking the Wild Motivation
“Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal—a commitment to excellence —that will enable you to attain the success you seek.”
Motivation is a tricky animal. Just the concept of it tends to conjure up feelings of overwhelm, fatigue, and sometimes even shame as we remember the times we've tried to whip ourselves into shape in the name of it; many of us have been taught that motivation means harshness, activating our inner drill sergeant to yell repeatedly at us that life is not yet the way we want it, and we don't measure up, so we better get up and march. We think we need to hold on tight to disappointment, self-recrimination, and the knowledge of just how far we are from our goals—otherwise, we'll be lazy, useless people. Right?
Wrong. This is the best wisdom we've come up with over the course of thousands of years of hierarchical thinking and a habitual, homicidal imbalance between masculine- and feminine-energy processing. While this is not the worst effect of this long-term imbalance (not by a long shot), it is definitely counterproductive. It's not that there's no place for the inner drill sergeant, but over-reliance on it to the exclusion of other approaches to motivation will leave you exhausted and dispirited. It will also feed a vicious cycle in which you think the problem is hopelessly you: You're not good enough, you're not capable, you're just lazy, and on and on.
Most people are actually far more motivated by positive feedback than by blame and negativity. Think about it—during the times in your life when you felt most fired up, energized, and active in the pursuit of a goal, was it because others were constantly berating and insulting you, or was it because things were going pretty well already and you felt a charge of optimism and excitement about a positive vision? If you're like most people, the answer is option two.
Natural motivation bubbles up from a wellspring of creativity and optimistic desire within. If you want to nurture it and foster its long-term health, look to divert anything that will disrupt its otherwise perpetual motion: Memories of past difficulties and the negative beliefs about yourself you've formed as a result; others' careless comments or active sniping at your goals that tempt you into destructive cynicism; bad habits that steal your physical vitality; the overwhelming noise and distraction of a busy world. We've examined all of these in previous blogs, so you can look for clues there as to how to minimize these distractions. Staying motivated is mostly about removing inappropriate influences and feeding your creative energy. This is your new job. Learn to love it and become expert at it.
If you find yourself trying to grit and muscle yourself to greater productivity, take a time-out and ask yourself why you don't want to take on your tasks right now. If you can acknowledge the reasons, you can do something about them. Are you grumpy because you skipped a meal and you need to eat something? Is it because you aren't getting any time to work on the things that actually excite you? Are you low on energy because you're sleep deprived? Are you resenting an interaction with someone that keeps playing in your head and distracting you? Are you afraid of failing? Whatever it is, maybe you can take action on it before you proceed. If not, you can at least start thinking about what changes you can make to help yourself out going forward.
The more you clear away what's in the way of your natural enthusiasm, the more you automatically wake up with a pleasant desire for putting in some work toward what you want to create. Sometimes, you'll need to work on reprioritizing and giving your schedule something of a makeover. Sometimes, all you need is a few minutes of daily Tapping to express built-up emotion and relax your body (or meditation, or journaling, or painting, or prayer, or something else expressive and/or relaxing). We sometimes need to do things we don't enjoy in order to live and keep the lights on, but we always have power over how we're thinking and approaching our tasks. As we make more supportive choices, creativity and motivation can thrive.
Stopping the Insanity
“For fast-acting relief try slowing down.”
In recent weeks, we've been touring the kinds of pressure we're all under in living a modern-day life, and there are many! Any time period in history has its challenges, to be sure, and living in these times is far from all bad; we can now benefit from many innovations that dial down the difficulties of just surviving in a way that previous generations could not; in fact, the knowledge that the Internet has made available on virtually all subjects has been a massive game changer that allows us to solve many problems much more quickly and thoroughly. It also allows nearly instant communication around the globe at low cost. This has fostered greater cultural understanding and cooperation than has ever been possible before. But as previously discussed, this new day has its own particular downsides. The pace at which we now live is causing a panoply of problems born of the stress of being pulled in so many directions at once.
So what do we do about this? Most of us know very well that we're stressed out way too much of the time—it feels like there's never enough time. And time is one of the only things we still can't manufacture. It seems like an impasse, a problem that inherently can't be solved.
It's easy to become frantic in trying to keep up with everything and then just lock into autopilot and repeat. This right here, friends, is the status we most need to disrupt. There are solutions that will work for you, but you'll need to proactively stop and take some of that precious time of yours to consider what they might be. Your presence, your intent, your actions, remain incredibly powerful. If you feel hopeless and frantic, it's because you've forgotten about them and become mired in other people's worlds.
The single most useful thing you can do is consider who you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses, and what you truly want at the deepest levels. This can sound like a radical proposal (doesn't this make you selfish, and really, how will it help anyway?) However, it's only by asking these questions that you find where you can be most effective. We all can't be good at everything, and the things we're not good at, or just flat out don't like, drain us of energy and motivation. Doing things we like and are good at, conversely, inspires and energizes us. We're more productive, we're happier and more pleasant to be around, and we can better adapt to challenge when we're not exhausted and dispirited. This is pretty common sense, but it can also seem too simple.
Then, you must take action. How can you support your long-term passions and goals on a day-to-day basis? Marking out time on your calendar for specific activities is also necessary if you're serious about making progress, because if you don't prioritize, you won't end up with any time for your high-importance activities. Further in this direction, decide to start noticing when you're on autopilot and remind yourself that small decisions matter. It may not always be clear what steps will help you to further your goals while still satisfying the important responsibilities you need to maintain, but you have to play if you want to win! When you're learning to tip the balance of your life toward conditions that support you, you will have to learn by doing, so just try something. Others may have helpful ideas for you, but only you know for sure what works for you. Over time, you get better at making good decisions as long as you're staying focused on your goals.
If clarity is your first need, your second is flexibility. It's hard to shake off daily disappointments, annoyances, and unfairness, but if you don't find a way, the changes you want to make will be over before they start. The experiences that life brings us, both good and bad, are extremely vivid, and letting go of the past is both a huge challenge and a necessity for maintaining a happy focus on goals. While there is a lot of information out there on how people stay calm and present in every moment, most of us are not actively taught these skills.
There are many approaches you can take to learning skills in this area. I suggest learning some sort of meditation technique (Tapping counts!), moving your body to stay healthy and generate endorphins, and getting adequate sleep and the best nutrition you can for your personal needs. Doing all of this together will build your ability to be flexible in the face of daily challenges. That may sound like a very tall order if you're currently living each day as a mad dash, but by using your priorities as a guide and making more of your decisions consciously, you can find ways to slowly whittle down the distractions bit by bit. You can reduce the pace at which irrelevant information and demands bombard you and guilt you into acting against your own knowledge about what would be best for you.
Most of us are hampered in our health and happiness by frequent overwhelm. We must take back our decision-making process from the chaos. We all know what it's like to wish for magical, total solutions, but life so rarely hands us those! Counting on one just showing up is a lovely fantasy, but not a good strategy for living the life we desire. With this in mind, what can you do today to make a new, more supportive decision about your tomorrow?
External Energy Drains
“Innovation is moving at a scarily fast pace.”
Last week, we looked at the basics of living life with all the energy you need to make progress, not just limp through the day only to do it all again tomorrow. Now, we'll continue on with a tour through other factors to look out for in the quest to maintain your energy.
- New information. I mention this first because in the age of information, it's a constant. The degree to we are assaulted with new information every day is unprecedented in human history, by several orders of magnitude. While distractions have always been available to those who sought them, they are now everywhere we look. Every time you choose to ignore one and refocus on what's important to you, that uses mental energy and possibly willpower, depending on how much the distraction appeals to you. We may need to do this hundreds of times per day. This is an energy drain that cannot be discounted, particularly since it's not going anywhere in the foreseeable future. Processing all of this information, and deciding whether it's going to be useful to you and how, takes effort that could be directed to what's most important to you. We all very much need to craft an information policy that can help us stay balanced amid the onslaught. Spend some time thinking through your goals and values, and how well your current information consumption habits are serving them. For instance, what if, instead of watching the news, you just scanned the front page of a newspaper or two and then followed up with an article on anything that seems pertinent to you? What if you watched less T.V. and played more music so you'll have more brain power available to create rather than being lulled into just consuming? You don't have to be absolute about these choices, but being reactive to someone else's curation of influences is far more draining than choosing your own. Sometimes, finding new information is necessary, and a wonderful privilege. Sometimes, it's a burden. Only you know the difference in any given moment.
- Interpersonal pressure. Many people you interact with want something from you. Sometimes they tell you what it is, and sometimes it's unclear, but you can just feel the ickiness of their attempts to work you. Sometimes you're happy to give it, and sometimes hell will freeze over first. Navigating through all the vagaries of figuring out what people are asking and what your answer will be can amount to a major energy drain. I suggest reading Influence, or some other similar book, in order to better understand the tactics people may use to manipulate you. Then, think about what you have to give in the context of your whole life right now, and would like to. These two actions combined will help you to recognize and evade requests that are not in your wheelhouse without feeling too bad about it. Even the world's most famous enlightened masters have not advocated attempting to solve all of the world's problems single handedly. Of course we should give, for many reasons, but as part of a cycle of giving and receiving that seeks balance and longevity; you don't want to burn out on giving and spiral down into negativity and need, which will do no one any good.
- Unpredictable events. Every day you walk out your front door, you are choosing to interact with an environment teeming with life, including many other humans who are exercising their free will alongside you. Much of their behavior is impossible to predict. This means that you must constantly adjust to the world and the people around you. While this has always been the case, we now have to do it at high speed when we drive our cars and at lightning speed as we deal with the instant communication of e-mail and social media. We also have a 24-hour news cycle constantly blaring the catastrophic and the inane from all over the globe (almost never any positive or empowering items). Are you starting to see why modern life can be so tiring? Put this together with the expectation that we will continue to take on more and more new challenges at home and at work, and it becomes apparent why stress is at epidemic levels.
If you want to conserve enough energy to make progress in the areas of your dearest desires, you need to make that conservation a focus and get smart and strategic about the effort. You may not enjoy it, but this is a basic life skill at this time in history. Like personal hygiene, it's never going to go out of style! Learn to love becoming an energy-conserving ninja so that you can thrive throughout your life and feel good about what you've been able to give at the end of it! Next week, we'll look more closely at the how-to's of doing this well.
Powering Up
“Energy and persistence conquer all things.”
When you're working on goals that are important to you, no matter the area of your life under which they fall, you're always going to need as much energy as you can muster to keep moving through challenges that will inevitably arise throughout the process. If you can't keep up with the demands of your project physically (in which case your clarity of thinking, willpower, emotional stability, and ability to have faith that your daily actions will build to a final result will also suffer) then you won't have a chance of staying in the game long enough to win. Many of us have heard things like, "I'll sleep when I'm dead," or "I don't need food, just more coffee" uttered as a brag, but imagine what those fueling their lives on bravado and nutritional vapor could do with the support of better choices, and how much happier, healthier, and more stable they could feel while doing it. Not to mention how much more pleasant things would be for those around them! Living out a constant cycle of mania and crash, or just one big crash created by years of imbalance, means that whatever your level of achievement, it's not sustainable. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be unstoppable for as long as I have left on this planet.
Some things we know about energy:
- Sleep is incredibly important for the human body, including the brain. If you don't get enough, the body doesn't heal and recharge itself, and you won't be able to think straight or exercise logic or self-control, not to mention creativity
- Move it or lose it. The more sedentary you are, the less energetic you will feel. You don't have to run marathons, but you need to move and stretch your body every day if you want it to feel good. Check out this article for some compelling information pulled from scientific studies about the incredible ways in which exercise helps you, and some tips on how to get the amount you need to achieve your health goals.
- In order to power all the activity your life requires, your body needs fuel, and not all fuels are the same. Will you fill it with dirty, gunky fuel that will stop up the works (cheap fast food loaded with synthetic chemicals and bad fats) or clean, whole foods that it will recognize and utilize as highly beneficial nutrients? If you want more energy, you know what the answer is. Now, I know that nutrition is one of the most confusing subjects out there for people, because there's so much conflicting information out there. Some of that makes more sense if you follow the money. In any case, I am convinced that the future of nutrition is customization for each unique person, because my body and lifestyle is not yours. My best recommendation is to make a commitment to eating organic, whole foods no matter what, and to experiment from there until you find what works for you. A visit to a professional nutritionist who is familiar with any dietary restrictions you may be working with (allergies, illness, religious restrictions, or what have you) can be one of the best investments you'll ever make, because in the quest for energy, many factors may change, but you will always have to eat.
- The last of the most basic fuels for sustained energy is a sense of purpose. Quite simply, if you don't know what you're doing it all for, you'll give up when the going gets tough. A good life coach or other counselor can help you clarify this if you feel adrift, and help you stay focused on it over time. Any positive vision can provide this sense of purpose, whether it's focused on yourself, people you know, strangers in need, or the world. You decide what vision excites you, plus your level of commitment and the amount of effort you will dedicate, but you must be working toward something, or you'll feel blah and unmotivated.
Next week, we'll look at blocks to sustaining your energy that are less within your control, and how to deal with them and keep moving. Until then, pick an area mentioned above and take some action toward creating more energy!
The Functional Value of Compassion
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
Every major world religion upholds the importance of extending compassion to others. Usually, this is presented as the right and virtuous thing to do, to be done for its own sake. There's much to be said for that, but there's an additional argument to be made for the importance of compassion that is more mechanical, more specifically practical: Without coming to a place of compassion for another person, it's not possible to fully forgive them for wrongs they've done—and without forgiveness, we remain both bound to and continually irritated by that person and their wrongs. In this state, we can never be free.
Compassion, then, becomes a way in which we give to ourselves, paying into our own freedom from the burdens of the past. If you want to lead a happy life, you can't dig in your heels and hold onto resentment against everyone and everything that ever contributed to your discomfort. In fact, that's pretty much the recipe for a very unhappy life. On the other hand, it's usually not enough to decide with your conscious mind to let someone off the hook. If you want to do a thorough job of it, you need to get your subconscious on board, and its job is first and foremost to protect you. Legitimately finding compassion for someone else requires that you heal sufficiently from the ill effects of their actions to be released from the hold of your own trauma enough to see beyond it. From a more whole perspective, you can see that this person is flawed, like every other human you know, including you. It becomes possible to understand, at least a little, what might have possessed them to behave in the way they did. This willingness tends to build momentum if we let it, reminding us of episodes precipitated by our own less-than-fabulous life choices, which in turn reminds us of how similar we all are, and primes us to let go of the past and want what's best for everyone in the future.
This is a very natural cycle, and becoming efficient at moving through it is one of the greatest keys to happiness you could ever find. The tough part is the personal healing. Frankly, emotional technologies have lagged so far behind physical, mental, and spiritual ones in modern society that there isn't a lot of guidance on the specific hows of accomplishing such healing. This is why I find EFT/meridian tapping techniques to be so exciting—they simplify the processing of events with emotional impact, facilitating rapid broadening of perspective in ways that are gentle, , and organic, and appropriate for the individual. This is what true emotional healing looks like, and most of us have been taught to struggle toward it by attempting to will it into being by sheer force. Sometimes people get there by persistence, through clear intent and continuing to stumble toward the goal, but this is a long and painful way toward forgiveness. When better ways are available, I want to make them available to others, and this is why I do what I do. The personal empowerment that results when you can step yourself forward at will through such a process is so freeing, and the world would be a vastly better place if no one felt stuck and alone with their most difficult emotions. Tapping can help to spring us all from the old, outdated ties that mold us into the shapes born of past trauma.
Compassion and forgiveness are certainly virtuous on their own merits, and thinking of them as always the goal is a good way to keep ourselves on track to avoid the regrets that can result from our own actions. However, we cannot avoid the importance of emotional healing, and the self-serving bonus to our own happiness that accrues when do the work to facilitate it. It feels so much better to have the wherewithal, the resources, to extend generosity to others than to remain stuck in the tension and misery of trauma and resentment. The more you practice moving through the cycle, the more of your own energy you free up to spend on the things that bring joy and meaning to your life.
When You See It, Believe It
“The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.”
The world can get pretty crazy, pretty overwhelming, and it can be very hard to know who to trust when it seems like there's an endless parade of people and businesses constantly—and loudly—vying for your attention. The stress of the constant stream of small decisions required to navigate through your day can be exhausting. Here's a simple trick we all probably know, but it bears repeating as an aid in making good decisions: Rely on what people do, not on what they say.
In the context of private relationships, this means that, though we all think and talk about many courses of action (some with great enthusiasm), we won't end up following all of these to successful completion. We all have to make value judgments in order to land on decisions about what to do with our limited time, and this happens in an ever-changing medium of context. While talk will tell you what people would like to do and experience, only their actions will reveal what they are willing to work and sacrifice for.
Some people's value judgments will be easy to understand. Others' will seem erratic and inscrutable to you. Still others' will be reprehensible in your eyes. It simplifies life and reduces stress to align yourself primarily with those whose actions you can mostly understand and approve of ("mostly" because let's be honest—no one is perfect, and everyone's viewpoint is slightly different based on the cauldron of experience, good, bad, and ugly, that has shaped them). While we can't expect faultless reliability or other flavors of perfection from anyone, we can expect that interactions with some people will feel good to us because they're fun to be around, and a good match for some of our most important values. Others won't. This matters. But if you're not also watching their long-term actions and allowing those to educate you about this person, you'll miss all the best indicators of where they're actually going.
Predicating your life on someone's potential rather than on who they actually are in this moment will open you up to a world of hurt and disappointment. I believe that people have boundless potential, but a happy life requires that you learn to choose relationships with people on a similar enough wavelength that you can love and enjoy them as they are now. By all means, challenge yourself to appreciate and love people who are outside your current comfort zone, but don't expect to live peacefully if you've allowed a whole bunch of people whose actions betray wildly incompatible values into your inner circle.
In a business context, you're looking for something similar—how does the business treat its customers? How do you feel when you interact with it, respected or played? Are its sales pitches showing you value that might help you and inviting you to participate, or seeking to manipulate you and your emotions through pressure and control tactics? How the business and its representatives behave is more important than the words, which may turn out to be acutely self-serving, just as any single person's may be.
As you move through your life, I hope you'll let the actions of others inform your actions, and that you'll find it a lot easier to make healthy decisions for yourself this way. It can cut down on the confusion in making all the judgment calls that make up a day in a modern life. Anything that provides clarity and greater ease so that we can all be less stressed and have more time to live out our purpose is definitely what I'm after! Feel free to comment below on how observing others' actions has helped you, or would have had you managed to do it!
The Essence of Red
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
This week marks the annual return of Valentine's Day, when we focus on love and romance, or on trying to ignore the explosion of candy and red flowers, depending on our situation. This day can be fraught with memories of loneliness, unmet expectations, relationship awkwardness, and more. However, at the core of it is a simple truth. We humans desire the state of being loved, appreciated, and even celebrated, understood for who we are and cherished. This is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. At the same time, it won't always be what's happening, whether we're in loving relationships or not. For greatest happiness, we must learn to grant ourselves the constant love and appreciation we want to feel.
Just as no one's childhood is perfect, and part of maturity is realizing that you can take on the role of being your own ideal parent to give yourself in the present what you wish you'd had in the past, you can learn to love, approve, and advocate for yourself as your biggest fan would. You can shower yourself with approval and tokens of appreciation for all the best parts of yourself. In fact, learning to treat yourself with the love and respect you want from others puts you in the habit of expecting it, and makes it easier to notice and reject behaviors that reveal incompatible intentions from others. The ability to do this consistently increases your odds of nurturing happy relationships, since you no longer waste your time on low-quality ones.
In the face of challenge, some people will choose to ridicule people who have succeeded where they have not, or disparage the things they most want but haven't figured out how to get. While sometimes it can be fun to humorously reject societal expectations and make your own contrary traditions, as some people like to do around this holiday, rejecting the notion that love is important to you is not healthy. By all means, rail against those who enjoy something you want, or the unfairness of life, now and then if it feels good to vent, but then get back to learning more about how others have succeeded so that you too can eventually have it for yourself. As Tony Robbins says, "Don't get mad, get curious." If anyone has ever had what you want, it's possible, and others can give you clues to the way forward.
Incidentally, some of my very favorite people waited decades for love, finally finding a match in their 40's or 50's or 70's when everyone else seemed to have paired off years earlier. Sometimes the things we crave take way, way longer to arrive than we'd like them to, and sometimes there's just no discernible reason for that. In order to deal with long-term ups and downs, we may need to resort to a variety of coping mechanisms, and that's ok. If you want a loving partnership, or more self-love as you pursue other goals, just try to keep reaffirming an openness to new ideas, and a sense of humor that avoids malice to keep you laughing and returning to greater positivity. Keep your life interesting by doing fun activities that help you meet new people now and then. Celebrate all the loving relationships you've ever had, even the platonic ones, especially the ones you have now. Most important, practice loving and approving of yourself on a daily basis, so that when you meet someone who treats you properly, they'll feel like home.
I hope you find something fun and romantic (appreciative) to do this week, whether with others or by yourself, and that you make it light-hearted and fun. I wish you all the love and companionship you desire.
How Do I Work This Thing?
“The goal of spiritual practice is full recovery, and the only thing you need to recover from is a fractured sense of self.”
I'm often asked by clients, and those just starting to use EFT/Tapping, how they should Tap at home. You might know that it helps, and want to do more of it, but feel awkward about starting to use it more regularly. (This is normal when we're starting almost anything new—most things feel unnatural until we've logged some hours of practice.) Here's my advice, and I hope you use it to get more out of the time you have to rest and recharge each day.
First of all, a quick disclaimer! Keep in mind that you should never tackle anything that feels too scary or overwhelming without assistance. Trust your judgment and intuition. If you become uncomfortable while Tapping, stop, breathe, and get help. Otherwise, you can't do it "wrong," so just do some when you have free moments, and you'll grow more comfortable with the process.
One of the easiest ways to start is with a simple "tap and rant" approach. When I first started Tapping, I did pretty much only this, and it felt great! The vast majority of us have been taught in so many ways and for so long to hide, disregard, and denigrate our emotions that we're used to shoving them down and doing our best to ignore them. This takes a ton of energy! When you start to let some of that built-up pressure vent using this technique, you'll likely find that it's pretty fun. All you have to do is tap on the points in the sequence for EFT and say whatever comes to mind, like "OMG I can't believe he said that to me! And how dare she behave like that? Who does she think she is? I'm so tired of all this. I just want to go back to bed and stay there for a week. And politicians, don't even get me started," etc. Really let it all out (and you should always do this where you won't be heard--whisper if you have to. You don't want to be editing yourself because someone else might hear you, and you also don't want to be causing stress to your relationships because someone heard something that wasn't meant for their ears when you were just blowing off steam).
There may need to be a lot of complaining mixed into your stream of thought, and that's perfectly fine; in fact, it's necessary to start with a statement of "what is" for you in order to get the best results. Often people are reticent to really indulge this, as it seems so negative, but if you go ahead, how you feel will usually quickly change. You may find surprising bolts of insight occurring to you, seemingly out of nowhere, that help you to change your perspective. But even if Tapping only seems to help a little, I'm always happy to take small gains too! Sometimes a small change is the difference between feeling completely overwhelmed and being able to move ahead with something or other that will create some positive momentum in your day. Baby steps are better than no steps!
Another simple technique is Tapping on body sensations. Say you've had a stressful day and you feel like there's a knot in your stomach. You can just describe the sensation as you Tap on the points, and allow yourself to notice if there's a particular emotion that seems to be associated with the physical sensation. If there is, you can describe that along with the physical feelings. Be as specific as you can, and feel free to throw in your observations of any images, colors, shapes, textures, or sounds that help to describe the feeling. If you observe addition aspects of how you feel that seem separate from the first thing you noticed, you can put those aside for further Tapping after you get relief on the first item. Keep in mind that when we Tap, we enter a space where the subconscious has a chance to speak to us, and not everything that comes up will make sense. Even if what you observe doesn't seem logical, try to go with it and follow where it leads. Sometimes within a few minutes of doing this, the feelings will change, and that's good. Just keep describing what you sense and Tapping, and before long you'll probably feel a lot better.
These two methods are the easiest ones to start with, but they're also just the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more to learn! Sometimes these bring you great relief; at others, you may plateau and feel stuck while using them. Usually this happens because there's a deeper issue underlying your current symptoms whose resolution needs a more nuanced approach. Sometimes you're just tired or dehydrated and need to take a break so you can come back to this later with more energy and patience. Resolve to keep practicing and learning, because facility with EFT can bring such transformational power to your life. Check out EmpowermentStrategies.net if you'd like further information.
The Nefariousness of Boredom
“When people are bored it is primarily with themselves.”
As you work on projects that are important to you over time, sometimes one of the hardest things to do is to resist overthinking things. Once you've determined your overall path and you've gotten down to applying yourself to your next steps, there are phases of a project in which you're working away, but not yet seeing results. Depending on the scope and complexity of your project, these can last quite a while. Since humans tend to prefer instant gratification, staying focused and energized throughout can be a challenge! The mind will tend to kick into high gear at some point and try to convince us that we must be doing something wrong. It shouldn't be taking this long! We should change something up, because this clearly isn't working!
In today's frenetic world, it does seem as though everything happens quickly, and that's what we should expect from the world and from ourselves. And yet, even those who seem to have attained easy success have tales to tell about preparation they've done in the background, usually over the course of many years. The current technological climate wants to convince us that every shiny new toy just pops into being as soon as a good idea is established. We're shown quick and glamorous paths to glory, but again, these are never the whole story. It's easy to measure ourselves against all these flashy examples and decide that there's something wrong with us when nothing is so easy in our day to day. It's easy to become frantic as we feel the passage of time and to decide that we need to pick up the pace, even when there's a well-considered plan in place and it's unfolding accordingly.
Drawing up a realistic plan takes work. Educating yourself on what steps will be needed in order to accomplish new goals and setting out time lines that are challenging, but still possible, takes boldness and vision. Most of us don't do this enough, nor maintain a rhythm of checking in often to adjust and rework that vision. But even if we do, it still takes discipline not to freak out when the process is boring and throw it all out the window. Sometimes it's easier to deal with adversity than it is to deal with boredom—at least with adversity comes a certain amount of drama, which can bring a sense of zest to life even if it's unpleasant. The periods in which the plan requires constant application but little reward can be the most treacherous, the times when our continuance is most precarious.
Since any big project has these periods, we need to find ways not to work up frustration or ennui so thick that it cancels out our momentum. One of my recommendations here may sound a little silly, but it works, so I'll offer it anyway: Be willing to be a little stupid. Refuse to ruminate at length on your state and just keep going, even when it feels like a slog; when you overthink, you'll just annoy yourself and have a tendency to talk yourself out of both good moods and your commitment to the long haul. Try distracting yourself from the boredom with some planned rewards. These don't have to be anything grand or expensive—just playing some inspiring music every day can help buoy your spirits when it feels like you're going nowhere. Planning some time with friends you always have fun with is key. Taking a little time to move your body every day helps bust stress, and I'm not talking about running marathons (unless that's something you love). You might just want to move and groove to some music when you take breaks from your project, because it feels good and gets some healthy blood flow going. Take a walk around the block or to do an errand here and there. Do some light reading or watch a movie to give your mind a break from your efforts. Whatever it is, just keep in mind that when you're working on the more thankless parts of your project, you'll need some extra support to keep yourself going, and plan for it.
No matter what you're working toward in the long term, there will be times when the slowness of your progress will become demoralizing. It happens to the best of us, and it is completely normal to become somewhat annoyed at these times. If you can't seem to enjoy the work you have to do, then find other things to appreciate and enjoy. Usually these dips will automatically correct themselves before too long if you're giving yourself support to get yourself through the difficulty. Know that you're not alone, and remind yourself what's at the end of all this effort, and why you wanted it in the first place. Above all, keep going. When you stretch yourself and refuse to give up, you do eventually get somewhere worth being, and that's what it's all about.
The Accidental Maze of Meaning
“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.”
I've written before about the importance of writing down your goals and periodically checking in on them so you can stay focused and adjust appropriately as conditions change. One of the most important reasons for this need is that the mind is constantly busy interpreting the events of your life, choosing meaning to assign to them in an effort to help you make sense of your world an keep yourself safe by learning from your experiences. However, this doesn't happen in a vacuum—it happens through the filters of all the previous choices it has made, both consciously and unconsciously, about the meaning of past events, and the stories it has evolved using all that assigned meaning using the data available to it. The interpretation is assigned so quickly, and beliefs based on it spring up so seamlessly, that we're generally not even aware that any of this is happening. We don't often feel a sense of involvement in the process, or the power to understand and change any of this, unless we're specifically working at being conscious of it. We certainly don't receive much instruction on it in the course of a standard education. And yet, intervening in this process for our own good is not outside the realm of our power, and in my experience, it's one of the most empowering things we can learn to do.
There are various techniques we can use to become more aware of our beliefs, as well as the interpretations from which they spring. Meditation, for instance, is an effective tool for becoming aware of many areas of your experience once you've built some basic proficiency with it, and decided where to point it. Talking to a friend with great listening skills, or a cognitive therapist if you need a professional, can help you to gain perspective on your beliefs. A skilled hypnotherapist can be a great help in this. Even just deciding that you want to become aware of this stuff and giving yourself some quiet time every day to jot down any realizations that come to mind can accomplish a great deal. My personal favorite method for increasing self-awareness is the use of Tapping techniques/EFT. I love it because it's a relatively simple self-help technique you can use anytime, and it facilitates the rise of understanding that would be slower to acquire through other methods; because it is a somatic technique (meaning it involves the body), it facilitates access to connections that techniques led solely by the mind never can.
When we use EFT, the mechanics of how we've assigned meaning to past events can quickly become clear in startling but cathartic ways. I can't tell you how many times I've found myself, or heard clients saying something like, "Now it all makes sense!" Realizations arise is organic ways we cannot plan, ways that are in appropriate timing for the current capacities of the person doing the Tapping. It's rare that in an hour-long session some doesn't include one of these illuminating moments. From here, we can look at the effects of previous choices and whether or not they currently serve us. We can keep the wisdom that resulted from past events, but make new decisions about what they mean, and what is possible, as well as how me will behave, in the future.
It is entirely possible, and sometimes even necessary, to realize or choose new meaning for a past event in order to move forward with your goals. Some beliefs are so foundational that holding them means you will not be able to get "there" from "here" because you believe you can't or that it's not safe to do so. While the conscious and unconscious self-sabotage that results when this is the case is often incredibly frustrating, it happens because the most primitive parts of the self are so strongly focused on self-preservation, and will use all means necessary to help us stay alive and safe. This is a worthy goal, obviously, but sometimes unconscious attempts at achieving it are misguided and rooted in outdated information.
If you are not regularly reviewing the state of your goals and of yourself in relation to them, how will you notice when you're stuck in a rut of past (many times unconscious) decisions about what's true and what's possible? Life is always changing all around us. There are sometimes conditions that seem to refuse, unnaturally, to change for an extended period of time, but how will you know when they finally do if you're not looking? How will you notice and leverage emerging opportunities if you're assuming the present will always be just like the past? (Hint: You won't!) When you do engage in this process, you notice when you keep coming up against barriers to progress in a specific area. With this awareness, the problem solving can begin, and we can keep track of whether our efforts are working as we continue to check in on progress regularly. While none of this is glamorous, nothing gets done in the long term without some version of this process being in use. The more you commit to doing it regularly and on purpose, the faster and more streamlined your progress can be. If you haven't already, write down some goals, and decide how often and when you will review your progress toward them. You may feel like you don't know what you're doing, but that's ok. You learn as you go, and you're not alone. In today's world, there are so many resources available to help you whenever you get stuck, but you have to start by admitting what you want and being willing to take some action and keep adjusting course to get there.